This blog is written from the perspective of the common heterosexual male but I’m sure it would apply and be equally useful for people of all sexes and persuasions.
So, I’m undoubtedly a master of physical pleasure and I’ve got a lovely home theatre setup but I’m not exactly what most people would call a “catch”.
My DIY skills are roughly on a par with those of a blind dead one-legged cat tied up in a large bag and the bags on fire. I’m neither “ripped” nor “buff” - not exactly sure what they are, to be honest. I’m no good at sports - a shoulder injury during an ill-advised game of Wii tennis has put paid to any dreams I had of winning at the Olympics. I’m impatient, frequently selfish, have a strange taste in films and won’t let anyone in the house watch ITV. I’m usually attached to my mixing desk, completely ensconced in wrangling a weird noise into shape. I moan, hate travel, turn into a gibbering baby at the slightest hint of a sniffle, eat badly, drink too much, smoke, insist on having facial hair, have a ratings system for my socks, have difficulty interacting with children, have difficulty interacting with family, wear my favourite t-shirt for too long and generally shuffle around the place with my brain in a different time-zone.
If I was on a dating site I think the only women who would be interested in me would be the ones with such a strange perversion that they find forming lasting relationships difficult - it’s hard to have respect for somebody when you discover they can only get off by shitting in your work shoes. Or those misguided few who still think that it is possible to “change” a man (you can alter the surface but underneath he will still be the same moody, lazy, flatulent lump you first met - or so they say). Or just maybe, if I’m really lucky, I’ll attract one of those women with a voice like a quacking bassoon whose laughter induces tinitus.
I know that I can make people laugh - it’s got me out of (and in to…) several sticky situations in the past. I can be thoughtful, although this positive trait is frequently overshadowed by the times when I’m thoughtless. I try to explain that it’s because my brain is occupied by lots of terribly important questions and I don’t mean to stack used teabags six inches away from the bin instead of actually putting them in the bin. If you choose to live with someone who has deeply important thoughts to think then it’s your own lookout.
And I know that there are a lot of men (and women, for that matter) out there who may find some of the above rings true for themselves. In order to help all of you I have listed below just a portion of the useful relationship tips I’ve picked up over the years. For a complete list of tips send a cheque for £17.95 to Mike Mends Your Marriage, PO Box 1, Cackhampstead, Misogyny on Sea.
1) Complimenting. If asked to comment on the quality of your partner’s breasts, for instance, do not describe them as “fit for purpose”. Your partner is asking for more flowery language and ultimately for you to make her feel good.
2) Friends. If you can avoid spending time with her friends (they’ll all be idiots, not like all your cool mates who are brilliant - even Stabber Dave who is a right character and didn’t spend that long inside and anyway it was never proven) then do. At certain points you will probably have to interact with her friends. Try to be amusing and pretend to care about whatever it is that women talk about. In the long run it is far better to just hide yourself away. They will judge you as not good enough for their best beautiful mate no matter what you do so don’t even bother expending the energy. Far better to spend your time online in a chat room talking to like minded people about plumbing or the top 5 continuity errors in Return Of The Jedi or something else important.
3) Arguments. Unless, like me, you’re always right, try to remember the following simple tips for surviving an argument. I won’t say winning. Men don’t really win arguments even if they think they do. It will come back to bite you on the arse at some point in the future so your best bet is just to try and get out of the room with all your body parts still attached. Apologise, look a bit lost, nod, blame your boss at work for over-working you, put the kettle on. Do these things in that order and you will survive. Also try to bear in mind that whatever you say, even the most throwaway comment, will be stored for future reference. If you find it helpful, take notes during the argument. There’s probably an app for that.
4) Food. It is important to try both types of food. Don’t turn your nose up at any of the meals made for you by your partner. Obviously it won’t be as good as the Ultimate Mega-Sandwich that you recently perfected. Nobody will ever make puddings like your mum but it’s a bit weird to lust after your mums puddings. Bear in mind that you wouldn’t bother making pudding if you had to feed yourself so be grateful for the slightly crispy apple pie and transparent spunky custard.
5) Drink. Try to figure out what drinks do what things to your partner. Do they get a little aggressive on white wine? Then during those times, avoid drinking Stella, for example. It’ll just get messy and could potentially involve the legal profession in some way. Try to complement her state of drunkenness. Be the yang to her tipsy yin.
6) The Bedroom. Surprisingly most people don’t like having their head stuffed under a duvet that contains lightly-toasted fart instead of oxygen. Also, never take your socks off last. Finally, if you have a television in your bedroom then make sure you agree on a programme to watch before you start having sex. It is important to avoid moisture getting into remote controls.
7) Use some kind of “product” on your hair or face. It doesn’t really matter what it is or what it does. It will instantly make you appear modern and metrosexual.
8) Don’t take the piss out of her stuffed toys. Remember that at some point she will find Mr Wuffleton in his storage box in the loft and whatever respect she still has for you will evaporate. Arguing that Mr Wuffleton is a family heirloom and will be worth a lot of money does not work.
9) Pretend you’re not that bothered about neat pubic hair.
10) Don’t cry during Pixar movies. You are a man. Real men don’t cry. They bottle up all their emotions and then explode later in life, damaging as many loved ones as possible.
I’m sure that you can be successful in love if you follow my tips. I have secured a wonderfully patient, kind, caring, funny, intelligent, beautiful partner. Surprisingly, despite my best attempts at being demented, lazy, smelly and irritating, she seems to want to continue our relationship. I will consider this a whole-hearted endorsement of the above relationship advice.
