I am a PC

Day One

Master decided to upgrade me! I’m so nervous! I can feel surges of excitement rushing through my poor old aching front-side bus. I’ve worn this horribly naff XP jacket for years and it’s completely worn through at the elbows. He’s coming… He’s putting the disc in… He’s rebooting me…

Oh, this doesn’t feel right. What’s happening? It’s all dark. My memory isn’t what it was. One of my drives is missing. Somebody call Microsoft! What..? How much..? Really..? Oh, ok. Don’t call Microsoft.

I can hear him moving around. I think he’s booted up his MacBook. I hate that bloody smug little machine. “Turn me on… I just work…”. Makes me sick. Where’s the fun in that? I bet he’s hunting around on forums. Hah! Good luck!

Day Two

Oooh! I’ve got a new hard drive. Felt so good when he slid it in. All that fresh storage… all those empty sectors just waiting for me to fill them up with crap from my registry and loads of temporary update files that I just want to keep even though I know I don’t really need them anymore. Just call me sentimental. Right - the Windows 7 disc has gone in again… reboot… oh.. crash.

Day Three

I’ve got new RAM! Much faster than my old RAM. OK, so one of the cards didn’t work and he had to pull it out again but I don’t care. Right, in goes the disc again. This is it - I can feel it in my cores. This time it’ll all “just work” and I can stick two ports up at that bloody smug little shiny Apple thing. Look! Look! I’m displaying the new Windows logo! Oh, this is wonderful… all animated and swirly and… bugger… crash.

Day Seven

I can’t believe this - a new motherboard and processor! The box had Windows 7 Compatible stuck all over it so I know it’ll all be fine now. My old one was warped from playing too much Half Life and this new one feels all speedy and free from dust and… oh… crash.

Day Nine

New graphics card! Wow! Double the speed, double the fun! I can’t believe how well I’m being treated. All this new stuff and I didn’t even have to perform any deviant sexual acts! Right… in goes the disc again… A logo! An install window! A Blue Screen Of Death! Fuck. What’s that thumping noise? Oh, it’s Master punching me in the expansion slot.

Day Twenty Six

Oh… He doesn’t seem very happy to see me today. I’m still not working but I don’t know why. I’m full of new stuff - all certified. The only original part of me is the power supply… Oh wait. He’s swapping that out too. Perhaps today will be a good day. I hope so. I keep having dreams where I’m being attacked by the Apple logo and I can hear Steve Jobs saying, “Don’t hold it like that… Don’t hold it like that… Do everything my way...” over and over again. Still, this time the update will work and I can finally… oh… crash.

Day Thirty Eight

You’re not going to believe this but my install is showing as 97% complete! Today we will get to see the lovely new desktop and play with all those nice new features - most of which have been lifted from OSX but I don’t care. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it - unless you’re Microsoft in which case lift it from elsewhere and then implement it really badly. Oh no… The install is hanging. I’ve ground to a halt. I can hear sobbing. Why is he repeatedly jabbing a screwdriver into his leg? Humans are weird… If I had legs I’d, well, I’d probably injure myself because Microsoft Legwork 2010 would only be able to cope with hopping backwards in a circle.

Day Four Hundred and Seventy Two

Installation is complete… Master is rocking back and forth, cackling to himself. It turns out that all I’m going to be trusted to do is run Steam and access the internet. It looks like he’s doing all his other work on Mac’s and an old XP machine. Not sure how I feel about this. I’m the most advanced piece of software Microsoft have ever produced. I’m bursting with innovation and new technology. I’ve got Silverlight installed by default even though nobody uses it because it’s crap. I’ve got the new Media Player that looks and functions like it was programmed by a blind epileptic horse. I’ve got IE8 which is full of features everybody else had two years ago. And I’m only going to be trusted to run games? Why? I can easily perform just about any… oh… crash…

Day Eight Thousand, Six Hundred and Ninetyfour

Hello. I’m a PC. I have the potential to be the most amazing, versatile and powerful tool mankind has ever created. Unfortunately my operating system is by Microsoft who wouldn’t know a well written program if it pinned them down and beat them round the ears with an iPad. Still, at least he didn’t choose Linux and then spend the next three years trying to figure out how to install a program. Anyway... Oh… crash…

A more rational assessment of Windows 7, PC’s and Mac’s will be in a future blog, when I’ve calmed down and the bleeding and the screaming and the crying has stopped.