Inventions

This weeks blog is a list of things I wish somebody would invent.

Teleport. If you saw my previous blog on travelling, you’ll know why I want this. Everyone I’ve asked would like a teleport. Just think - at the end of a night out you could zap home and sleep in your own bed. You could visit anywhere on the planet in the blink of an eye and still be back home in time for Neighbours. It would sort out all pollution problems caused by transport. It would put all taxi drivers out of a job meaning you wouldn’t have to sit in the back of a car that smells of Dettol pretending to agree with whatever half-baked bile the driver is spewing about immigrants, gays and/or politics. You could also order something from the net and have it delivered in seconds. Come on scientists. Sort it out. Lazy.

Proper on-demand telly. I hate adverts. I hate having a house full of small plastic boxes containing small plastic discs of films and tv programmes. I want to put my telly on, request a show and have it start immediately. And if we could have it without annoyingly distracting logo’s on screen all the time that would be nice.

All the medical guff they have on Star Trek. Did you know they don’t have headaches or colds in the fictional 24th Century? Simply wave a small device that resembles a pocket vibrator over any afflicted area and we have insta-cure!

Also on Star Trek they have those machines that can make whatever you want, just by asking it. That would be handy. It would probably make me eat a lot of junk food but I could just sort my arteries out with the pocket vibrator. This would eventually make shopping and money pointless. Brilliant! Also I could own every classic synth ever made, set them all up in the studio and pretend to be Rick Wakeman. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea...

Education. I would happily have a port somewhere on my body (excluding the arse, obviously) that allowed me to connect a USB lead and upload whatever it was I needed to know. Teleporting to France? Download the French language and feel comfortable in the knowledge that when you order a meal the waiter isn’t standing there thinking, “prick” - unless you’re in Paris in which case this is the default thought for all waiters. Need to fix your central heating? Download Plumbing for Dummies and learn how to both clean a flue and display your arse-crack at the same time. Presumably this would eradicate chavs and unemployment.

Sexy underwear that isn’t uncomfortable. I’m sure there are exceptions to this one but it seems that the more arousing an item of clothing is designed to be, the less likely your girlfriend/boyfriend/trans-gender lover is to wear it. Wearing it and then repeatedly saying, “It’s cutting my bloody circulation off” is not erotic unless you’re into asphyxiation in which case get a grip… No… hang on...

Pears, satsumas and avocados that make a small chiming noise when they’ve achieved perfect ripeness.

Computers that recognise when somebody else is using them and automatically hide your porn collection.

A machine that proves the non-existence of God and the afterlife. This would stop me having to help pay for the Pope to come over and blow hypocritical hogwash out of his pampered papal posterior. There are several other advantages to this - for one thing we’d have to find new reasons to go around killing each other. I’d like to put ‘purposefully trying to be kooky’ into the ring.

A robot version of James Cameron that can write a decent story. I’d settle for a broken robot George Lucas that just sits there and steadfastly refuses to mess around with the Star Wars films anymore.

Celebrities that explode after six months of exposure.

An iPhone that enables you to change the message tone. FFS Apple.

A machine that can rewind time. It would only have to be able to go back 30 seconds or so. Then when you realise the words coming out of your mouth are about to earn you a slap/less friends/inclusion on some kind of government list, you could quickly rewind time and replace those words with something inane. About the weather. Or David Cameron’s hair.

There you go. Feel free to add your own suggestions. If I hear any good ones I’ll add it to this list and send the whole lot to Professor Brian Cox who is, I’m sure, destined to save all mankind with his winsome presenting style